Well I can't give you everything you want
But I could give you what you thought need
A map to keep beneath your seat
You'll read to me in time. I'll get you there
But fold it up so we don't find our way back
So nobody knows we're here
We can park the van and walk to town
Find the cheapest bottle of wine we could find
And talk about the road behind
How getting lost is not a waste of time
Le Bois d'Amour will take us home
In the moment we will sing as the forest sings
It's all for the the sake of arriving with you
Well it's all for the sake of arriving with you
Well, I will make the table into a bed
The candle is burning down, it's time to rest
I cant' take back things already gone
But I could give you promises for keeps
And would only take them back if they became your own and you gave them to me
And it's all for the sake of arriving with you
Well it's all for the sake of arriving with you
We could make this into anything
We could make this into more than words we speak
This could make us into anything
It could makes us grow and become what we'll be
How will we really know?
Its' just like it feels, just like it feels
How can we really know?
It's just like it feels , just like it feels
Just like it feels, how does it feel?
Just like it feels, just like it feels
How does it feel, just like it feels
How does it feel?
Lyrics by Jack Johnson
Bold type is significant to me
Monday, November 10, 2008
Heavy
Heavy feelings weighing me down
Some good, some profound
Scatterbrained and dis collect
No matter what, I hope we connect
Excitement and passion
You bring it out
This rise in me, I don't know what it's about
Mind still trippin' we go out or just stay home
It's all the same
Being with you is sound
Stir my mind like a crazy cocktail of fluttery
Hope these feelings last of buttery
Intellectual and certainty
I wish you'd just let me be
Can't stand this condition
Put me in a position, to be
Stupid and Happy
It's a good combo, I definitely see!
Where's my helmet
Heavy, you weigh down on me
On my mind constantly
Heavy
Some good, some profound
Scatterbrained and dis collect
No matter what, I hope we connect
Excitement and passion
You bring it out
This rise in me, I don't know what it's about
Mind still trippin' we go out or just stay home
It's all the same
Being with you is sound
Stir my mind like a crazy cocktail of fluttery
Hope these feelings last of buttery
Intellectual and certainty
I wish you'd just let me be
Can't stand this condition
Put me in a position, to be
Stupid and Happy
It's a good combo, I definitely see!
Where's my helmet
Heavy, you weigh down on me
On my mind constantly
Heavy
Remember Me
There you stood
Beautiful man!
Wholly for me to devour
I let myself in
Trespass gently upon your heart
Step lightly, not to disturb your frailty
Open eyed and willing
Aroused your consciousness
Remember me
I let myself in, but you gave me the key
Beautiful man!
Wholly for me to devour
I let myself in
Trespass gently upon your heart
Step lightly, not to disturb your frailty
Open eyed and willing
Aroused your consciousness
Remember me
I let myself in, but you gave me the key
Divorce is a Magical Thing
Woo Hoo!!! I'm free....almost.
After six years of being with the same person, it's all come to end. I can say that I'm pretty darn happy about that. I mean, it's kind of sad to move on only because sometimes I think about the good times we had. The births of our children, and some other funny random moments that existed between us. For the most part though, it was a lot of shit. A lot of stuff that I'm glad I won't have to put up with anymore. I feel relieved. Now my focus is my children. Making sure they'll be OK. They seem to be dealing quite well. Children are very resilient.
I've filed, but this is only the beginning. Now we get to fight about the house and money. He's stated numerous times that he wants me to have full custody, which is perfectly fine by me. The only reason for this is because in my opinion he's selfish. He wants to be all about his band and his "rockstar" life. Ha, fucking ha! It'll be his loss someday when our children are all grown up and he hasn't barely seen any of it. Sad really.
About the house? Yeah, he wants the kids and I out so the house can just go into foreclosure. Wicked smart. I'm really gonna move my kids out of the only house they know, where Aidan just started school. Brillant. Also, it's gonna cost the same amount for a two bedroom apartment in this area as it would to just keep paying the mortgage.
After all, he makes me angry. Not because of the divorce, but because I feel as if he's letting our kids down. I never show this anger to him. Any text, email or phone conversation I stay mature, never name call. Yet, he feels the need to call me names. What the hell did I get myself into?? If I could have any magic power, it would be to foresee the future. Right? Right.
Throughout this ordeal, I have had a lot of support from my family, my friends and my co-workers. This time, I shant try to go back. Last time I did, and I shouldn't have then I didn't have the support that I do now. Plus I'm just DONE. 6 years gone wasted....partially. I'm a pretty strong willed woman, and I will make it onto the other side. As Nick Hexum would sing, "Beyond the Gray Sky" that's me, looking beyond the gray sky. I know it won't be like this forever, I know. I count my blessings that I have my good friend Kelsey, she keeps my head on straight.
Wish me luck in my endeavors......
After six years of being with the same person, it's all come to end. I can say that I'm pretty darn happy about that. I mean, it's kind of sad to move on only because sometimes I think about the good times we had. The births of our children, and some other funny random moments that existed between us. For the most part though, it was a lot of shit. A lot of stuff that I'm glad I won't have to put up with anymore. I feel relieved. Now my focus is my children. Making sure they'll be OK. They seem to be dealing quite well. Children are very resilient.
I've filed, but this is only the beginning. Now we get to fight about the house and money. He's stated numerous times that he wants me to have full custody, which is perfectly fine by me. The only reason for this is because in my opinion he's selfish. He wants to be all about his band and his "rockstar" life. Ha, fucking ha! It'll be his loss someday when our children are all grown up and he hasn't barely seen any of it. Sad really.
About the house? Yeah, he wants the kids and I out so the house can just go into foreclosure. Wicked smart. I'm really gonna move my kids out of the only house they know, where Aidan just started school. Brillant. Also, it's gonna cost the same amount for a two bedroom apartment in this area as it would to just keep paying the mortgage.
After all, he makes me angry. Not because of the divorce, but because I feel as if he's letting our kids down. I never show this anger to him. Any text, email or phone conversation I stay mature, never name call. Yet, he feels the need to call me names. What the hell did I get myself into?? If I could have any magic power, it would be to foresee the future. Right? Right.
Throughout this ordeal, I have had a lot of support from my family, my friends and my co-workers. This time, I shant try to go back. Last time I did, and I shouldn't have then I didn't have the support that I do now. Plus I'm just DONE. 6 years gone wasted....partially. I'm a pretty strong willed woman, and I will make it onto the other side. As Nick Hexum would sing, "Beyond the Gray Sky" that's me, looking beyond the gray sky. I know it won't be like this forever, I know. I count my blessings that I have my good friend Kelsey, she keeps my head on straight.
Wish me luck in my endeavors......
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Stuck. Trapped. Suffocated.
Not by the life I live currently, but by the events in my life previous to now. Sometimes I feel like I'm still in High School. Not because I'm surrounded by immaturity, which is duly noted as a reason why people feel like that but because I feel emotionally somewhat scarred by who I was in High School and because at that time I came to an awakening or realization at that time. To explain, I don't feel like a 26yr old, married, mother of two aka an adult. I still see within myself the same insecurities I had during that period of my life, the same troubles and battles within. I keep wondering to myself when will the weight of those problems ease themselves off my shoulders? When will I be without the strife of wondering who I am or who am I supposed to be, or why did certain "things" happen to me? I tell you it gets tiring being stuck in the past. It seems to me this phase has lasted quite a long time, and has only got worse.
A wise man once told me that your teen years are for rebellion and angst, your twenties are spent reflecting on the prior angst and being angry with your parents, thirties....I don't quite remember what this wise man said bout' them cause I'm not there yet so I didn't pay too much attention to what he said, but I do remember him saying that by the time I'm in my forties that'll I'll be OK with everything, pretty much. I'm sure some of this is true at least by forty I'll probably be too preoccupied with wrinkles to give a damn about what happened to me as a child.(That's a joke, wrinkles-shminkles). I'm gonna own every single one of those wrinkles as a rite of passage, dammit!
Some women look at others and envy them for their exterior qualities. Angelina Jolie lips, J-lo butt, Tyra forehead (that'll be the day) and so on. I find myself not being so envious. I'm pretty OK with my body, it does what it needs to do. Secondly there are women who envy other women's accomplishments, being career's, money and power. I myself fall more into this category. Maybe its me or maybe its society, but whomever has put the stigma about being a homemaker, not being a job sucks. I know that sometimes, my "job" doesn't get the justification it deserves and I don't need to go into how hard or demanding it is and by no means do I want pat on the back, but I can say it is thankless. The true reaping will come out later when my kids are older, guess then I'll find out how well of a job I did.
Not by the life I live currently, but by the events in my life previous to now. Sometimes I feel like I'm still in High School. Not because I'm surrounded by immaturity, which is duly noted as a reason why people feel like that but because I feel emotionally somewhat scarred by who I was in High School and because at that time I came to an awakening or realization at that time. To explain, I don't feel like a 26yr old, married, mother of two aka an adult. I still see within myself the same insecurities I had during that period of my life, the same troubles and battles within. I keep wondering to myself when will the weight of those problems ease themselves off my shoulders? When will I be without the strife of wondering who I am or who am I supposed to be, or why did certain "things" happen to me? I tell you it gets tiring being stuck in the past. It seems to me this phase has lasted quite a long time, and has only got worse.
A wise man once told me that your teen years are for rebellion and angst, your twenties are spent reflecting on the prior angst and being angry with your parents, thirties....I don't quite remember what this wise man said bout' them cause I'm not there yet so I didn't pay too much attention to what he said, but I do remember him saying that by the time I'm in my forties that'll I'll be OK with everything, pretty much. I'm sure some of this is true at least by forty I'll probably be too preoccupied with wrinkles to give a damn about what happened to me as a child.(That's a joke, wrinkles-shminkles). I'm gonna own every single one of those wrinkles as a rite of passage, dammit!
Some women look at others and envy them for their exterior qualities. Angelina Jolie lips, J-lo butt, Tyra forehead (that'll be the day) and so on. I find myself not being so envious. I'm pretty OK with my body, it does what it needs to do. Secondly there are women who envy other women's accomplishments, being career's, money and power. I myself fall more into this category. Maybe its me or maybe its society, but whomever has put the stigma about being a homemaker, not being a job sucks. I know that sometimes, my "job" doesn't get the justification it deserves and I don't need to go into how hard or demanding it is and by no means do I want pat on the back, but I can say it is thankless. The true reaping will come out later when my kids are older, guess then I'll find out how well of a job I did.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Magic Bullet
Isn't wonderful when you realize that something you got for Christmas actually has a purpose? This may sound stupid, but I got a "Magic Bullet" blender which I did ask for, for Christmas. At the time of receiving said gift I didn't think it'd come into much use, but this past week it has been my best friend next to Vicodin.
I did use it to make Adam and I Margarita's when I first got it, but since then it has sat in the cupboard waiting to be used. That thing is fucking awesome!! I got my badly impacted wisdom teeth pulled out last Thursday. Four of them. The uppers weren't bad, but the bottom ones....that's another story. They were coming in horizontally and the left side was infected. They hurt something bad. Me being the lazy procrastinator I am, has waited at least 3yrs to get them pulled. So, back to the Magic Bullet
It comes with two different blades, one for whipping and one for chopping/grinding and such. A smaller cup and a bigger one. The best most beneficial thing, four mug type cups with different colored lids.
Since I can't eat anything, pretty much. I've been blending everything up in it. Oh, and it is a "magical experience". Its awesome cause I made chili this week and all I had to do was put a portion of it into one of the mugs, add some water give it a couple of spins and presto, I have pureed chili just for me! Actually, next I took some "Press and Seal" crap and put that over the top, poke some holes in it, put the interchangeable colored rim on throw it in the microwave and then presto I have delicious chili. Still, it is the coolest thing ever!
If you don't have one, I suggest you get one. They're way better than any conventional blender. If you have a baby, this would be a good way to make baby food too. If you're twenty-six and still have your wisdom teeth cause' your Mom never took you to the dentist to get them taken out when you were a teen, like me then get one. You're gonna need it, trust me.
It's also pretty sweet that I've spent most of this time looking like Sandy Cheeks, from SpongeBob Squarepants. If you don't know who that is, just imagine a squirrel with their cheeks full of nuts. Its been great. The itchies from taking two Vicodin has been sweet too.
This is how hot I look after getting the teeth pulled. Pretty sweet huh?
I did use it to make Adam and I Margarita's when I first got it, but since then it has sat in the cupboard waiting to be used. That thing is fucking awesome!! I got my badly impacted wisdom teeth pulled out last Thursday. Four of them. The uppers weren't bad, but the bottom ones....that's another story. They were coming in horizontally and the left side was infected. They hurt something bad. Me being the lazy procrastinator I am, has waited at least 3yrs to get them pulled. So, back to the Magic Bullet
It comes with two different blades, one for whipping and one for chopping/grinding and such. A smaller cup and a bigger one. The best most beneficial thing, four mug type cups with different colored lids.
Since I can't eat anything, pretty much. I've been blending everything up in it. Oh, and it is a "magical experience". Its awesome cause I made chili this week and all I had to do was put a portion of it into one of the mugs, add some water give it a couple of spins and presto, I have pureed chili just for me! Actually, next I took some "Press and Seal" crap and put that over the top, poke some holes in it, put the interchangeable colored rim on throw it in the microwave and then presto I have delicious chili. Still, it is the coolest thing ever!
If you don't have one, I suggest you get one. They're way better than any conventional blender. If you have a baby, this would be a good way to make baby food too. If you're twenty-six and still have your wisdom teeth cause' your Mom never took you to the dentist to get them taken out when you were a teen, like me then get one. You're gonna need it, trust me.
It's also pretty sweet that I've spent most of this time looking like Sandy Cheeks, from SpongeBob Squarepants. If you don't know who that is, just imagine a squirrel with their cheeks full of nuts. Its been great. The itchies from taking two Vicodin has been sweet too.
This is how hot I look after getting the teeth pulled. Pretty sweet huh?
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Just send 350 bucks
OM fucking God!!!! Once again, I'm am forced to watch/hear/participate in a load of bullshit!!!
While t.v. surfing, not net surfing for a change I stumbled across some ludacris crap about some Jewish people needing money, money so they could make it back to their homeland.
"Please, send $350.00 to help one Jewish person back to their homeland, anything you can send is appreciated"
I cannot stand how some people use the word of God to manipulate people. It makes not only them but God look horribly bad. Honestly, like he's sittin' up there saying, "give these people your money and then, then you can come to me" I call total bullshit on that.
Its people like this who give any kind of religion a bad name. Don't get me wrong, I ain't a pusher like my human Christianity requires, but come on people. I get it, I get why so many people shy or push God away, because of people like that. Who pretend that they want you to see the light of God, but only really want the numbers and the money.
This I tell you, is not what it's about. It is about: finding peace within yourself, peace within this world and having a personal relationship with Him. Not about things of Man: money, greed, and power. None of these things will make you a better person, none.
It just makes me sooooooo angry to see people who are supposed to be praising Him, use his name as a profit. Like God really cares if you send X amount of dollars so some Jewish fellow or family can go back to Israel. If he wanted it to be so, then it would be.
What about all the poor neglected people here? The people who cannot afford to go to the Dr.'s? Or, get a prescription? Or even eat? Pay rent, go to college, have heat in their homes? Where's the Christians on t.v. asking for that money?!! Huh?!!
Lots of people in this very country, or your very town struggle and struggle hard. Where are all those do gooder Christians then? I'll tell ya'. They're at church listening to there Pastor tell them they need to send their hard earned money to the Amazon. Ya' the people in the Amazon don't have running water or an indoor toilet. You wanna know why they go there, not only to give them those "Western Comforts", but to spread "the word". If the "word" is so important, why not give it to some Mom in Denver who is addicted to Meth. Let her know how powerful and healing He is? Why waste all this money to go so far away, when people here are hurting, and need the help more?
I tell you, it is not God who has turned his back on you.....it is your fellow brothers and sisters. The very people who were sent/decided to spread his word have flawed God's word with their own immoralities. They have put shame on God not God himself.
WWJD? Slap all you bastards in the face, that's what he would do.
*by bastards I mean those who do wrong with His word, that's right.
I do realize to many that I may not come across as the typical Christian. I'm not, yet I do believe that He is my savior, and he died for me. That's all that matters. I am human, and I'm not Jesus. I'm not perfect and neither are none of you. I give creds to those who are trying to live their lives in His emulation, but what I've said above.....that's the worst person to be in my opinion. A hypocrite. I can tell you, yah I drink, curse, and have immoralities of my own, but everyone of those immoralities is mine and forgiven....at least I can say, I don't try to trick people into giving their money for nothing. Cause' God doesn't want your money, just your love....
While t.v. surfing, not net surfing for a change I stumbled across some ludacris crap about some Jewish people needing money, money so they could make it back to their homeland.
"Please, send $350.00 to help one Jewish person back to their homeland, anything you can send is appreciated"
I cannot stand how some people use the word of God to manipulate people. It makes not only them but God look horribly bad. Honestly, like he's sittin' up there saying, "give these people your money and then, then you can come to me" I call total bullshit on that.
Its people like this who give any kind of religion a bad name. Don't get me wrong, I ain't a pusher like my human Christianity requires, but come on people. I get it, I get why so many people shy or push God away, because of people like that. Who pretend that they want you to see the light of God, but only really want the numbers and the money.
This I tell you, is not what it's about. It is about: finding peace within yourself, peace within this world and having a personal relationship with Him. Not about things of Man: money, greed, and power. None of these things will make you a better person, none.
It just makes me sooooooo angry to see people who are supposed to be praising Him, use his name as a profit. Like God really cares if you send X amount of dollars so some Jewish fellow or family can go back to Israel. If he wanted it to be so, then it would be.
What about all the poor neglected people here? The people who cannot afford to go to the Dr.'s? Or, get a prescription? Or even eat? Pay rent, go to college, have heat in their homes? Where's the Christians on t.v. asking for that money?!! Huh?!!
Lots of people in this very country, or your very town struggle and struggle hard. Where are all those do gooder Christians then? I'll tell ya'. They're at church listening to there Pastor tell them they need to send their hard earned money to the Amazon. Ya' the people in the Amazon don't have running water or an indoor toilet. You wanna know why they go there, not only to give them those "Western Comforts", but to spread "the word". If the "word" is so important, why not give it to some Mom in Denver who is addicted to Meth. Let her know how powerful and healing He is? Why waste all this money to go so far away, when people here are hurting, and need the help more?
I tell you, it is not God who has turned his back on you.....it is your fellow brothers and sisters. The very people who were sent/decided to spread his word have flawed God's word with their own immoralities. They have put shame on God not God himself.
WWJD? Slap all you bastards in the face, that's what he would do.
*by bastards I mean those who do wrong with His word, that's right.
I do realize to many that I may not come across as the typical Christian. I'm not, yet I do believe that He is my savior, and he died for me. That's all that matters. I am human, and I'm not Jesus. I'm not perfect and neither are none of you. I give creds to those who are trying to live their lives in His emulation, but what I've said above.....that's the worst person to be in my opinion. A hypocrite. I can tell you, yah I drink, curse, and have immoralities of my own, but everyone of those immoralities is mine and forgiven....at least I can say, I don't try to trick people into giving their money for nothing. Cause' God doesn't want your money, just your love....
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