Stuck. Trapped. Suffocated.

Not by the life I live currently, but by the events in my life previous to now. Sometimes I feel like I'm still in High School. Not because I'm surrounded by immaturity, which is duly noted as a reason why people feel like that but because I feel emotionally somewhat scarred by who I was in High School and because at that time I came to an awakening or realization at that time. To explain, I don't feel like a 26yr old, married, mother of two aka an adult. I still see within myself the same insecurities I had during that period of my life, the same troubles and battles within. I keep wondering to myself when will the weight of those problems ease themselves off my shoulders? When will I be without the strife of wondering who I am or who am I supposed to be, or why did certain "things" happen to me? I tell you it gets tiring being stuck in the past. It seems to me this phase has lasted quite a long time, and has only got worse.

A wise man once told me that your teen years are for rebellion and angst, your twenties are spent reflecting on the prior angst and being angry with your parents, thirties....I don't quite remember what this wise man said bout' them cause I'm not there yet so I didn't pay too much attention to what he said, but I do remember him saying that by the time I'm in my forties that'll I'll be OK with everything, pretty much. I'm sure some of this is true at least by forty I'll probably be too preoccupied with wrinkles to give a damn about what happened to me as a child.(That's a joke, wrinkles-shminkles). I'm gonna own every single one of those wrinkles as a rite of passage, dammit!

Some women look at others and envy them for their exterior qualities. Angelina Jolie lips, J-lo butt, Tyra forehead (that'll be the day) and so on. I find myself not being so envious. I'm pretty OK with my body, it does what it needs to do. Secondly there are women who envy other women's accomplishments, being career's, money and power. I myself fall more into this category. Maybe its me or maybe its society, but whomever has put the stigma about being a homemaker, not being a job sucks. I know that sometimes, my "job" doesn't get the justification it deserves and I don't need to go into how hard or demanding it is and by no means do I want pat on the back, but I can say it is thankless. The true reaping will come out later when my kids are older, guess then I'll find out how well of a job I did.