Starting

I'm currently starting a lot of things in my life, or the possibility of starting things will be happening soon.

Starting not to care is one of them...

Been dating this wonderful man for over a year now, and 95% of our relationship is frickin' amazing. He treats me well. He's kind, thoughtful, considerate, funny, very intelligent blah blah blah. All the good stuff. He just keeps getting me confused with other girls he's dated and quite frankly, I'm over it. No, I'm not the girl who got knocked up by another dude while you were together. I'm not the girl who broke your heart and left you sleeping on your sisters living room floor. I'm not any of those people.

I'm a good girlfriend to him, he's even told me so without me asking. In his words the best he's ever had. The hang-up here, or the snag we're stuck at is that I have kids from my previous marriage. He's spent some time with them, but not enough to be a clear judge on how awesome they are. Yes, they're kids and yes they do whine at times or make messes, but those are not reasons to not want to move in with me. Oh, yeah that's the biggie going on right now. We've been talking about moving in together. He's worried that they'll destroy all his worldly possessions, they'll never listen to him, he'll have to be prime punisher, and that I just want to live with him for financial reasons. Yes sirree!!! We are out to destroy him!!!! Mu-ah ha ha ha ha! lame.

It goes without saying, that he has to protect himself. Everybody does, I understand this even though I am blond. This is the natural course in any grown-up relationship. I cannot say that I too am not scared. What if we move in together and he's a controlling Nazi? Overall though, I'm not as afraid as he is. I can't explain why. Maybe it's because I know him, and even though he's an OCD clean freak I still love him and want to be with him all the time. I know all his quirks, habits, hang-ups, annoyances, pet peeves, and I still want to be with him, live with him whatever.

As I'm writing this, Ive started to think that maybe he knows all those things about me too but just doesn't want to really live with me? What if I didn't have my children? He says he'd live with me, that hurts. Is it true though? Would he just find another excuse not to live with me?

So, starting not to care. You go. You go and live on your own. I don't give a shit.

I'm afraid that if we don't take this step, because it's coming up soon. Leases will be up and all that, that we won't work out. I will be hurt, I will be resentful and not to mention pissed. I seriously don't want to wait another goddamn year to "see how it goes". Mr. Shuffle His Feet, better pick up the pace. This is just so frustrating. I don't know what to do with myself. Bail? Suck it up and hold out?

It aggravates me to say this, but I probably would hold out. I have been and still would. How pathetic is that? A glutton for punishment, I guess. Good things come to those who wait, right? What if I do wait, and we still don't work out? If you really love somebody, you will do whatever it takes to make it work, you will love them unconditionally, through thick and thin. I love this man. I really do, more so than I can say I've ever loved another. I can say that I would wait for him because of this.

So, we'll see how it goes. Start here, our paths parallel but not joined hopefully heading in the same direction and possibly merging into one? Start here, together, on the same path side by side and definitely heading in the same direction? ................