Poop On A Fan is Hard to Clean

So they say that when God closes a window he opens a door...or something like that. Well that figurative person above has shut all the windows in my life, and he better be opening a bloody garage sized door for me!

The shit has hit the fan.

My Story:

From a vary sequence of events, I am here now in this part of my life where at times feel overwhelmed. It all started with the beginnings of my divorce. My divorce and a car accident left me in a financial ruin. Credit is gone because a certain somebody racked up loans and credit card debt that also had my name attached to them. On top of that in October of 2008 I got into a car accident, which was my fault all the way. Since the accident I have had a Grand Am, that I sold to buy another Cavalier with my old engine in it from the car accident Cavalier. That lasted until September of this year. Then my parents were kind enough to let me borrow my brother's Jeep Liberty until I could save money to buy another car. That hasn't happened yet because, my last job with Colorado Community Hospice cut my hours, which led to me not being able to pay my rent. So I had to leave that apartment and go to another one, but before that they let me go in early January of this year. So, no job still had the Liberty and found a new place to live. Whew! Not yet....

Remember how I said I was in an accident? Well Adams County frowns upon not having insurance. So they took my license away in May of 2009. Started a new job at another hospice on January 11th only to be let go on February 1st because my MVR came back and guess what? You don't have a license so you can't work for us. Crap. But before that about a week prior to being let go, my Mom calls. "Tash, I've got bad news" What Mom? "They're here to get the Jeep" What? You're kidding! That was on a Friday, Saturday the repo guy came all the way down from Fairplay Colorado to Westminster to fetch the Jeep. So, I guess Ma and Pa weren't paying for it. Just started a new job, got a new place to live, but no car to get me to a job that requires me to drive. Luckily Travis and his lovely Ma, Bobbi came through and suggested that I ask his sister Tammi if I could borrow her old Saturn that she wasn't driving because Bobbi had sold her her Jeep Cherokee. Thankfully, she was more than willing to help. I have a car now temporarily, still no license and no job. It'll cost me $1,200 to get my license back. I am currently looking for a job.

THE ICING ON THE SHIT CAKE:

Through all my unsteadiness of said events, and me trying my hardest to make a good life for my children and I, Travis was there for support. He always helped come up with plans and ideas and told me "we" were going to make it through this crap together. He even lent me money that I paid back for a car payment on the Cavalier. I never asked him for anything, ever. I have a really hard time asking for and accepting help. I've been working on that though, because he always reassured me that it was okay to need help and he would never hold it against me.

I guess it can't always be good.

He left me.

On Tuesday, the day after I lost my job. He said that he wanted to take a break because of the stuff I have going on is too much for him.

I am beside myself with anger

I feel lied to. He always said he wasn't going anywhere, don't worry I'll be here, I love you. I call bullshit. You do not up and leave the person you supposedly love when they're going through some shit. You stay, you back them up no matter how many times they fall down. You are there to raise them up. At least that's what I believe. I know if the roles were reversed, that's what I would do. I have been there for a good share of supportive events in that man's life. Father passing and helping him try and work through that. Mom getting breast cancer. Pushing him to go to school.

How can you say enough is enough?

I know that my life has been hectic since August of 2008. This is all new to me. Being a single Mom. Trying to make it on my own with two kids. It hasn't been easy, by no means. But I'm trying. I want a good, stable life for me and my kiddies. I can't live like this either, with all this chaos in my life. I have a plan and I have goals.

Regardless if he wants to be here with me or not. I will succeed. I will have a job, house, car, oh and license ha. It just takes time. I will be fine.

So....another window closed.

Where's that garage door? :)

birdman.jpg

The Birdman of Denver

Drawn by Travis T
Sent on the Now Network� from my Sprint® BlackBerry

Morning Sun

Morning sun thrust upon the sleeping world.

Shuttered windows opened to this fresh new light.

Groggy snooze and sand filled eyes.

Opened Wide!

Let it in I say! Evoke my soul!

My mind is still only half awake from my midnight run.

It does not want to see the sun.

Tis inevitable though, cannot ignore the light.

Oh yours is too bright.

Morning sun, so fresh and new

I awoke to you

Reconsider Everything

I've had sometime to reflect about what I wrote in a previous blog called "Starting". I've become more solidified. Congeal, if you will. I have deemed it unnecessary for my man and I to move in together right now. I'm not sure when exactly it would be necessary, but I'm OK with us not co-habitating. It feels like there's a lot of pressure these days to follow a certain relationship guideline. For instances, at 3 months you should be saying "I Love You" or at 6 months this should be happening. Well, some people just don't fit into those "molds". I myself am good with taking it easy. What's the rush? I have learned from past history mistakes to NOT rush anything. Plus, Travis hasn't lived on his own, own with no roommates in....god I don't even know. It's been a really long time though. Plus I'm still figuring out how to be a single Ma', live on my own again and take care of my babies. A little soul searching, and standing on my own two feet. That means a lot to me. My independence is everything to me. I don't want to feel like I need to rely on somebody else. In all honesty, it scares me to death. The idea of living with a man again.

I think I was really upset before because I felt rejected. Which is normal. I took it personally. We have a really great thing going between us. The best either of us has ever had. It's a grown-up kind of thing, which is such a nice change. No yelling and screaming, we talk. Most of the time it is rainbows and lollipops full of sunshine and sugar. I do believe I have found the other half of me. Like Dr. Evil says to Mini Me, "you complete me". Ahh, too funny.

All in all I am saited, content, full and loved. In no need of convincing, or feeling pressured. It'll happen, like most things, when it's ready to.

And I'm OK with that

One New Age Hippie? Coming Right Up!

I have been seriously entertaining the idea of becoming a vegetarian. More exactly, lacto-vegetarian. Reasons why are as follows:

• touching raw meat sickens me
• the processes which bring meat to my local store are degrading, not only to the animals but to the people whom work in the plants.
• it's just not healthy. There have been many reported cases of illness, even death due to eating meat that wasn't up to standard. Not to mention the cholesterol.
  
• the only dairy I enjoy are cheese, cottage cheese and yogurt. Milk is easy to cut out, since it hurts my stomach and soy tastes sooo much better.
  

Ethically and morally, I just can't side with being an omnivore anymore. Maybe one day I'll have my own farm and raise chickens, pigs and cows, then I'll feel at ease with eating meat again. Until that time, then I think I'm just going to drop it from my diet. I'm making a conscious effort to stop standing behind the conglomerate corporations that feed us their ideas and horrible food which is laden with maleficence against other humans, animals and the earth as a whole. Until there is a shift in the practices these corporations uphold, then I will take a stand against them. I will spend my money on locally grown, organic, non-overly processed food and beauty items. I'm shaking my newly born, hippie fist at them. Take that! Ha!

I've been researching the internets to formulate my herbivore plan, to make sure I'm doing it right. The biggest problem I've heard of with talking to people who once were veg or are and how they got started,was the lack vitamins and minerals that you once received from eating meat. You need to be informed, so you can make the healthiest decision and not have any dietary deficiencies. I found online a "Vegetarian Pyramid", which shows what you should typically eat at every meal, once a day and weekly.
I've also been worried about what the heck am I going to cook?? That problem was easily overcome since the internet is full of veg recipes. I found on the Mayo Clinic's website, that they have a plethora of free meal ideas and recipes. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/meatless-recipes/RE00104 Amazing!

I've also worried about cost. I know a lot of the obesity problem and diabetes issues in this country are because people eat poorly.
People eat poorly because they typically cannot afford to eat the things that are good for them. It's set up this way on purpose. Why go to the store and buy a pound of apples for $1.29? When you can buy a cheeseburger for only 99cents. Like the movie Super Size me states somewhere along the lines, that fast food places are geared to make you want to eat every meal there, and for cheap. Eating right is a choice. There are many local co-ops, whole food markets and farmers markets you can choose to shop at. Yes, you're going to pay a little bit more at let's say a Whole Foods or Sunflower Market, but you're paying for quality and to me the value in that goes a lot further with me than paying for something that is over processed, full of chemicals that are going to cause my daughter to start her period earlier, and harmful to my planet. If this is the one thing I can do, for myself and my family then I'm going start.

I'm really excited about this. I'm excited to go to Whole Foods and check out their bath and beauty products. No, laurel blah blah sulfate? Sweet!! A product that's made of real, wholesome ingredients that are good for me and the earth? Awesome!! Stoked people, I'm absolutely stoked!!

You got me good...

Love stricken. I have always been. Since I first laid eyes on you, I wanted you. I could never get enough. I still can't. Head over heels from the very beginning. I have always loved you. Passionately. Words cannot truely express how I feel about you. Miss you always, when you're not near. Want to hold, touch and kiss you all the time. I'm so happy that you're mine. I thank pure luck or coincidence that you're in my life. You've helped make me a better me. There was a time when I was scorned and unopen to the possibility of love, had all but lost hope that I could find someone who brought the best out of me and made me truly happy. I found that with you. You are the other half of me. I still get excited to receive a call from you and to hear your voice. I still get butterflies when my phone goes off and it may be a text from you. I still get fluttery when you walk into the room. You got me, you got me good.
Sent on the Now Network� from my Sprint® BlackBerry

Starting

I'm currently starting a lot of things in my life, or the possibility of starting things will be happening soon.

Starting not to care is one of them...

Been dating this wonderful man for over a year now, and 95% of our relationship is frickin' amazing. He treats me well. He's kind, thoughtful, considerate, funny, very intelligent blah blah blah. All the good stuff. He just keeps getting me confused with other girls he's dated and quite frankly, I'm over it. No, I'm not the girl who got knocked up by another dude while you were together. I'm not the girl who broke your heart and left you sleeping on your sisters living room floor. I'm not any of those people.

I'm a good girlfriend to him, he's even told me so without me asking. In his words the best he's ever had. The hang-up here, or the snag we're stuck at is that I have kids from my previous marriage. He's spent some time with them, but not enough to be a clear judge on how awesome they are. Yes, they're kids and yes they do whine at times or make messes, but those are not reasons to not want to move in with me. Oh, yeah that's the biggie going on right now. We've been talking about moving in together. He's worried that they'll destroy all his worldly possessions, they'll never listen to him, he'll have to be prime punisher, and that I just want to live with him for financial reasons. Yes sirree!!! We are out to destroy him!!!! Mu-ah ha ha ha ha! lame.

It goes without saying, that he has to protect himself. Everybody does, I understand this even though I am blond. This is the natural course in any grown-up relationship. I cannot say that I too am not scared. What if we move in together and he's a controlling Nazi? Overall though, I'm not as afraid as he is. I can't explain why. Maybe it's because I know him, and even though he's an OCD clean freak I still love him and want to be with him all the time. I know all his quirks, habits, hang-ups, annoyances, pet peeves, and I still want to be with him, live with him whatever.

As I'm writing this, Ive started to think that maybe he knows all those things about me too but just doesn't want to really live with me? What if I didn't have my children? He says he'd live with me, that hurts. Is it true though? Would he just find another excuse not to live with me?

So, starting not to care. You go. You go and live on your own. I don't give a shit.

I'm afraid that if we don't take this step, because it's coming up soon. Leases will be up and all that, that we won't work out. I will be hurt, I will be resentful and not to mention pissed. I seriously don't want to wait another goddamn year to "see how it goes". Mr. Shuffle His Feet, better pick up the pace. This is just so frustrating. I don't know what to do with myself. Bail? Suck it up and hold out?

It aggravates me to say this, but I probably would hold out. I have been and still would. How pathetic is that? A glutton for punishment, I guess. Good things come to those who wait, right? What if I do wait, and we still don't work out? If you really love somebody, you will do whatever it takes to make it work, you will love them unconditionally, through thick and thin. I love this man. I really do, more so than I can say I've ever loved another. I can say that I would wait for him because of this.

So, we'll see how it goes. Start here, our paths parallel but not joined hopefully heading in the same direction and possibly merging into one? Start here, together, on the same path side by side and definitely heading in the same direction? ................